If you are a new dad & want to completely AVOID changing dirty diapers – you’ve come to the right place!
Research consistently shows that new dads that DON’T change dirty diapers are happier than those that do!
Survival Tips for New Dads! How to AVOID Changing Dirty Diapers….
I , as many fathers, have a deep seated, instinctual aversion to dirty diapers. Over the course of raising our three older children (Gracie, Dominick & Annie) – I’ve had to use a lot of imagination and it has taken a considerable amount of time & energy to develop the strategies and skills necessary to avoid changing their dirty diapers.
My Experience & Qualifications
Yes, there were trying times for sure. Of course, I’ve had both successes and numerous failures. And yes – I did change a lot of diapers! I mean A LOT of diapers – like at least 2 or 3! Not in total, mind you – but rather for each and every kid! So maybe about 8 or 9 diapers in total! That is – if you count the time I paid my mother to come over and change one of the kids diapers…. and the 2 or 3 (maybe 4) times I “assisted” Melani. I know she did “most” of it – but I watched and probably handed her the diaper or something like that. Or the time(s) I was in the room – and helped – but may have been a little distracted with the Syracuse basketball game going on during the NCAA tournament. They do call it March Madness for a reason! We’ll, it doesn’t really matter now how much I actually helped because I meant to help. My intentions were good. I mean – I was supporting my lovely wife – and that was helping at some level – right?
The point is I actually did help.
OK – I was there….
So if we are working with that 8 or 9 number as a solid estimate for my all-encompassing career count for changing diapers – that has to be almost HALF of the total diapers those three needy little snot-nosed kids used before they were finally potty trained. I know – you are probably disappointed to hear that – but it is the ugly truth in my case. And I get it – it ends up meaning that I had something like a paltry 50% success rate right in avoiding diaper changes? Abysmal. Most people would expect better from a guy – especially if he is going to go around dispensing advice & giving tips to other fathers on diaper changing avoidance strategies. But my intentions are pure here – and I truly want to help other fathers learn from my mistakes!
Infographic – How to Avoid Changing a Dirty Diaper
So I put the following survival tips / info-graphic together for all you new fathers (or soon to be fathers) that are, rightly so, terrified with regards to this whole diaper changing thing and the enormous societal pressure to conform that goes along with it.
I’m going to hold your hand through this, step-by-step. Trust me – it’s going to be alright…
Oh, and you’re very welcome!
6 Key Strategies for New Dads to Avoid Dirty Diaper Changing!
1) NOSE: Trust Your Nose – It Knows!!
First scent of trouble – get yourself out of there and don’t look back! Even if you think it might just be a toot (AKA fart) – err on the side of caution! Like they say – better safe than sorry.
2) PROXIMITY: The Closer You Are to a Dirty Diaper – The More Likely It Is You Will Have to Do Something About It!
This is like the immutable laws of thermodynamics or gravity – it’s just true and you are a down-right fool to challenge it! You should heed my warning here – or be prepared to suffer the consequences. THE CLOSER YOU ARE TO THE DIRTY DIAPER – THE MORE LIKELY YOU ARE GOING TO NEED TO CONTRIBUTE TO DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT! It’s like the inescapable pull of a black hole. The good news is that the power of the dirty diaper’s pull (and therefore the expectations for you to do anything about it) drops by the square of the distance you are from it.
3) FEIGNED INCOMPETENCE: Although Contrary To Most Male Egos – You Need To Demonstrate Gross Incompetency
Focus here – this is extremely important! If, and I repeat IF – you ever get caught in a situation where you have exhausted every other alternative and / or escape route and you actually HAVE TO do something about a dirty diaper – do not, I repeat DO NOT do even a marginally adequate job of changing that dirty diaper in any shape, manner or form! I cannot emphasize this enough. Sure – of course you have to sell it like you DID try your best – butt (pun intended) that diaper should be hanging off that baby’s bottom! If you do a passable job on that very first diaper change – you are going to be expected to do the same thing again -and again. I guarantee it. So remember – feigned incompetence is your friend!
4) FAULTY MEMORY: Use Your Wife’s Sleep Deprivation To Your Advantage
Play on your spouse’s lack of sleep and inability to concentrate that goes hand-in-hand with being a new parent. I know that sounds harsh – but the stakes are high here and we are talking about SURVIVAL! When the time comes – and the request is made (believe me – it will!)- you need to IMMEDIATELY protest with vehemence & conviction! We are talking Academy Awards caliber performance here. Make eye contact with your wife and remind her that YOU got the last one – and it is HER turn now! I know it will feel unnatural at first – but you need to really sell this when you say it – especially if you need to use this strategy something like 5 times in a row!
5) WILLFUL IGNORANCE: Use the POWER of YOUR Mind
Some will say this is just a sub-category of feigned incompetence – but I disagree and think it deserves its own call-out here. Reality is what you make it – it is the sum total of your perceptions and expectations. If you think it – it is so! Therefore, if you acknowledge a dirty diaper – even at the deepest sub-conscious levels of the most primitive parts of your brain – it will spring into existence and become entangled at some quantum level with your reality. If that happens, and I certainly hope it does not my friends, it will further manifest itself as an expectation from your spouse that it be changed – BY YOU! This is cutting edge science here and some CERN research has been conducted supporting this fact. So create your own reality – one in which dirty diapers DO NOT EXIST.
6) PRAISE & ADMIRATION: Build Up Your Wife – To Build A Moat Around Yourself & Keep Dirty Diapers Away
Marriage is all about building each other up. So by employing this strategy you will be doing your wife a much deserved favor and will actually be making your marriage stronger! You need to faun over your wife and relentlessly praise her for her skill with regards to changing diapers. You need to truly marvel at her inSTINKtual and unrivaled talent in this area. And you need to do this not just with her – but in front of others – so she knows you are being sincere.
Now I have told you in the past that I am one that has, pretty consistently, been surprised at my own profound ignorance at times. That has certainly been the case with respect to this whole diaper changing thing and some of the apparent improvements that have recently been made with babies. Indeed, just at the point where it seems I might have finally fully developed and finely honed my diaper changing avoidance skills & strategies – it appears that they have become somewhat obsolete in our home, and maybe society in general. At least that is my perception since Sophie has been welcomed into our brood of children as its newest member. Now I am not certain all babies are the same, but they (scientists) are definitely having at least some success with essentially diaperless babies! In fact, I don’t think “we” have had to change that kid’s diaper EVEN once yet! Great news for both me, and society, for sure!
Regardless, in case you are not as fortunate as I have been to get one of these vastly improved essentially diaperless baby models (the Next Generation Kids – as I like to refer to them) – I genuinely hope you find some of my experiences and survival tips helpful!
Again – you’re welcome!
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